Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
