remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
