You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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