he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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