He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
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