My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
