I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize