Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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