Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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