last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
