Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Still dying that you shit outside
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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