The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
