you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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