I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
