She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
