Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
