I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
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