I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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