I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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