Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I need to stop coming to work sober
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
