i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
