He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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