Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I think your dad took our porno
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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