She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
