I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
