3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Non-Jews are for practice
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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