I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize