1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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