all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
