My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
