mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Randomize
