It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
