i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
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