and she was petting her beer can
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
