she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
