I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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