in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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