she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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