Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
