Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
