The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
