when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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