I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
