I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
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