I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize