Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
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