Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Randomize
