my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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