I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
