I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
