I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize