my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize