well I can't set my house on fire every night
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
