pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
