just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
