I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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