he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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