i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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