Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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