just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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