My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
