This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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