i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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