Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
