omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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